Fiat Lux

I like to cry in my car.

I find comfort in throwing my arms around my steering wheel, and imagining I have them around the neck of a beloved friend, or family member. It is the closest thing I can get to hug that will last for as long as I need it to linger. My unwavering circle of navigation, which will never break the embrace before I do. A much stronger and comforting companion than my pillow, which always disperses to not, under the weight of my stormy emotion.

At times like this, I try and imagine my head on the chest of a man who loves me so much, he will stand there with me while my furious tears explode, and rain all over his shoulder. I imagine him whispering encouraging things like: This will pass babe. I’m here with you. I hear you V. I love you, even when you weep mascara all over my favorite jacket. But here babe, take my hanky. We got this.

But he is not here with me.

And the only thing I hear are my sighs and sobbing, as I scold myself for feeling something I simply cannot explain. 

Today I wished it was him who I was holding. A him I have never met, and that does not exist beyond my imagination, a partial photo, and the narrative of a Birdy, I am struggling really hard to believe. Instead, I am holding onto my car for dear life, a pitiful testament to how fiercely lonesome I have become in his absence. A testament to an excruciating longing, I do not understand. And the cold reality that I am slowly losing my mind to thoughts that I should have never entertained. Thoughts that include running away from a man I have never been with, because what I see in his magnificent blue eyes, scares the hell out of me.

Pleeeease… Let there be Light!!

So I have decided I am going to do my best to try, and out run these tempestuous feelings. I have chosen ‘flight’, since I cannot ‘fight’ what I am feeling with any conviction, and freezing is just not an option on the road I travel. I really need to change my lux. I just need to get back in my Fiat, and maybe head East, and you know, follow the signs and symbols somehow, so I can be… closer to him~


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