UDi & Me~

☸️ PLEASE NOTE:  UDi = The Universal Design

So UDi* rolls back into my awareness in a way that had my mind twisted around misfiring circuitry immediately. At the time I was LITERALLY screaming to the moon having lost complete control over my ability to cope. Not my finest hour, to say the least. But it was a grand entrance on his part, to be sure.

Such is his way, after all.

I use the ‘man-term’ loosely.  She comes in many forms.

Whatever this divine thing is, We humans seek to personalize the hell out of it, and I am no exception. I mean, why wouldn’t we? This IS personal! We seem to have a built-in longing for some kind of supernatural communion, with the miraculous. That is why we have all the various gods, and goddesses under foot. We long to know our creator. The longing is real although often unnoticed, and more often than that -undefined and unfulfilled.

For those who are so inclined, there is no end to the ways in which humans seek to connect with their creator. Most of which involves looking in the rear view mirror, of another drivers journey. Or digging up long dead ideas, never knowing if the sane had penned them to begin with. All of it far to second hand smoke for me! And her too, really.  When I say looking back on the 2000 year old experiences of Bedouin sheep herders in an attempt to establish a mediated, and tertiary connection is stupid.

I mean it.


It’s not all that bright to go head first without a mask into Ontological Mathematics for an explanation, either. While the math seems to be there to support the idea of a type of ‘living mathematics’ that calculates everything into existence, including the unique monadic nature of our souls. It’s still a matter of faith to embrace such a theory, if you cannot do the math for yourself. Additionally and perhaps ironically, OM comes off way too soulless, to me anyway. Although the neutrality of a numeric explanation was initially appealing to me, it became spiritually alarming over time. Because somewhere in all of that. My childhood companion and I, got separated.

Please hear me out. Suspend your spiritual tra-la-la for a second, and listen.

Because none of this is real, until you give it permission to be.

Once I was jerked up short from my explosive anger, triggered by a restless night and a return to fresh baked trauma, even I couldn’t see or understand at the time. I was spit back out onto what I assumed would be the basement of hell. AGAIN. I had without a doubt, reached the end of myself.  I was an actively erupting hot, molten, mess.

I had been grieving tears by the glass, unable to stabilize on my own -my story too bizarre for any pro-help. I was drowning in a cup half full of a poisonous anger I could neither palate, nor stomach. I had taken to dry heaving emotions so strong, I couldn’t fully digest them. My sorrow had become wicked and angry, boiling over with volcanic rage. And who should I find at that particular intersection of my life. Yeah, that is precisely where that legendary son-of-bitch stood waiting for me… laughing.


I forgot about his freaking sense of humor.

He can be sooooo “Far Side”.

I also forgot that if you ask for help, it comes. Without fail, and often running side-saddle with the miraculous. I needed some serious mercy, and possibly even a couple of miracles -to go. So really, there is only one Pro I know of, that can do all that. Hence the interplanetary distress signal to my designer.

Without hesitation Udi reminded me in a twinkling, why I ultimately bow to him. There is no man or women alive, no Council or authority on this planet, that can course correct like UDi. Nor can they heal like the one who has designed my heart. The moment I felt his flirty fun filled joy coil around my soul’s infection, the pus-filled power began to weep from my wounds, so we could take a look at the damage.


Yikes. Damage.

Lots of it.

In the days that followed, I wept from the place in my soul reserved only for the Light. I explained it all in guttural tones, wet utterances yet unformed, but no less poignant. When I wasn’t weeping, or sleeping… I was screaming accusations of blame, because he is where the fucking buck stops!!

She is also where the loves begins. It was she who held my hand as I told her about him. Her chocolate brown East Indian mama eyes, welling up with unspeakable compassion, as I spoke.

She knows.

He always knows.

I have chased this entity for as long as I can remember. Something about IT intrigues like no other. While some were born with the music in them furiously seeking an expression, I was born with a longing to know and share divine things, with the same passion.

While others chased after lesser gods,

I chased after the one who could make me godly.

Walking it way back for those of you who are new to my journey… One of my earliest memories is talking another little girl into saying I brought her to vacation bible school, so I could ‘win’ a white wedding bible. I so plotted, y’all. I did. Who wouldn’t? It was a red letter edition, and since I had just learned they were calling the UD “Jesus” here,  I was anxious to know more about that.

Impressive (and perhaps devilish) deep thinking, for like a second grader, no?

Fast forward thru a whole lot of shit that included ditching anything Abrahamic, and rolling my eyes thru much of the new age, I was finally able to see something akin to a crystal thread running thru all of it, however loosely at times. For me it had become crystal clear indeed. Not only was everything spiritually connected, we were all describing the same fucking thing!


I am NOT even kidding!!

So why does this even matter? It matters because I now know, what I have always known. What I knew long before I entered into matter, actually.  Whatever this thing is that is that is beyond us all… it actually cares about our experience and desires to be a relationship with us. It WILL actually resort to diabolical tactics to get our attention in that way too. Ok, well maybe it won’t go full-on drastic with YOU, but given we are ancient friends -there is no more pretense for me.

She will let me run the rope out every time.

He has all the time in the world, after all.

Other than that. I have been frantically painting monumental penises, while getting excitedly lectured to, by a guy who looks like a cross between PAN and a hearty American trucker in my minds eye. He is pretty excited about something called alchemical marriage, Sergio Mendez and the Brazil’s 66, OH and making HIS Disney Princess dreams comes true…

Betcha by Golly Wow!

God, how I missed him~


PS: I’m currently on a much needed (and long over due) mental health vacation that has me rethinking my entire life. I have no idea what awaits me, or where I will end up. However, I do know Joshua Tree has a horse in the race!

I continue to mourn a man I cannot stand being separated from, while UDi sits just out of sight -reading a newspaper. He needs a shave. He stopped talking to me days ago. He says all the answers I seek, are within…

HA! Could he be more freaking Russel Brand right now?

Yeah… Now it’s my turn to laugh!!


Hey wait… am I starting to feel better?